i'm not in college but i go on spring break anyway

I graduated college almost one year ago... and believe me, I was a typical college student.  I enjoyed late night library sessions, getting perfect attendance, waking up for 8 am's and graduating magna cum laude.  Granted, this is all true of my college career, I also spent hours at a time in the dining hall, enjoyed cocktails on a monday, danced on a few bars and attended police-busting parties.  During my 4 year stint as a college student (should have done the 5 year plan) I actually ever went on spring break.  I never took my shirt off in exchange for plastic beads, i never romped around the beaches of mexico... unless i DID go on spring break but was black out the whole time, which actually sounds like most spring breaks.  But because of lacrosse, I never was able to enjoy wasting money and not remembering who I had slept with in foreign lands. Shame.

So this year I decided to indulge.  Lucky me, my boyfriend is still in school, so I was that annoying girlfriend that decided last minute to tag along on his trip home to Texas.  Needless to say, I did all sorts of touristy things and definitely looked like a Mainer.  We went to Barton Springs, the State Capitol... and some basketball games.  However, it wasn't all vacation because out of the 15 days I was there I was forced to work out TWICE! For 40 minutes each... seriously... not what I call a vacation.

CLEAN YOUR EARS (clean your ears)

After a fantastic Morris Family Christmas, it was time for me to pack up my bags and take a vacation.  It was a Roger Roommate Reunion! I went to DC to visit the only people in the world who actually understand me, and my quirks. I got to spend time with the people that I've taken thousands of photobooth pics, videotaped drunk, talked in accents, played dress up, irritated bunnies, petted strangers dogs, rapped on street corners, danced in our underwear, whipped our hair back and forth, and participated in ultimate slow motion action sequences with. Special Shout out to Reneeskeet and DJ Pie  I also got to spend time with their beau's, who have had countless awkward skype moments with me, spent sleepless nights in the library with me, taken lunch trips to Manny's with me, and somehow have been able to understand all of the strange activities that have taken place in Baypoint, Bayside, and on Bradford Street. Special shout out to Graham Cracker and Bennamin. But most importantly I got to see my favorite addition to the crew, Mrs. Crackers/Rabbi Buns/Shit Machine/Nameless Bunny.  I have never seen anything so cute, yet have never been so afraid of.  I hate that stupid bunny thing. But I love him so much. Silly gay rabbit.

Here are some highlights from the trip...

• A bar tender that has no idea what a "Birthday Cake" shot is. Like wtf?!?!
• A bar called "McNasty"
• Getting a creepy guy kicked out of Madam Organs
• JUMBO SLICE PIZZA
• Ben trying to strike up casual conversation with Cab Drivers
• Renee's crazy cats
• Molly going to ABC studios to be interviewed (she's famous)
• Being a city slicker and learning how to use the metro (a huge feat for this country girl)
• Calling myself a "city slicker" multiple times a day
• Going sight seeing of course
• getting an awkward picture taken with the Ruby Red Slippers
• Taking Blurry pictures
• Hot Tub nights

When I Think About You I Touch My ELF

So another holiday has come and gone... however this one happens to be everyone's favorite.  And by everyone, I mean about 99% of the population (Screw you 1% bah-hum-bug-ers). A Hinckley family gathering is like none other.  I guarentee there is no other family christmas party that involves as much alcohol, food, laughs, ugly sweaters and obscene gifts as ours.  The younger generation decided that we would partake in an ugly sweater christmas celebration... I think its safe to say there was a unanimous winner.... nice work Jamie!

So, aside from ugly sweaters, the cousins also had a secret santa.  Seeing how all but one of us is 21, most of the giving revolved around alcohol. But I wouldn't want it any other way.  Chris got beer.  Donnie got beer. I got Vodka.  We know each other all too well.  I'd say my secret santa knows me a little too well. Vodka, frosting, and clothes that had been left at her house. It's easy to say that it was definitely the best present I've ever received.  The Justin Beiber wrapping paper was just a bonus!



But lets get real, the best part of christmas was the Holiday Cow & Lamb, the Christmas Banana, and obviously watching Beevis & Butthead Christmas Specials.  All traditions nobody outside the family would understand.


And so, I fall asleep just in time for Santa to come! It's weird though, I definitely had a dream that I put all the presents under the tree and stuffed the stockings. Huh... anyways, Christmas morning arrived and I have found that in my old age, I get way more excited about practical gifts-such as an electric blanket-than I used to.  Just ask my boyfriend, I talk about it all the time. It's an unhealthy obsession. But no Christmas would be complete without my little Taiwan Elf, Chang Chi Chieh... or as we call her here in America, Jennifer!

CMCC's first Road Trip

ROAD TRIP!!! I don’t work today, so what do I decide to do? Pack up my bags and hop in a bus with 29 athletes, 3 friends and 6 coaches. We’re heading to Vermont for our first conference basketball game.  Only a casual 10 hour Friday drive.  We’re about 3 hours into it and I am anxiously awaiting our pit stop for lunch in Lebanon, NH… only 54 more miles til we get to civility and food! Then an additional two hours to Rutland, VT.

Everybody had been saying “well at least you get a coach bus.” Yeah, true, it’s way better than a school bus… but I would much rather us have our own team plane.  I mean, the fabric on the seats is itchy, I still don’t have enough leg room, and the “shades” with all of the little holes in them make zero difference.  I also feel like I shouldn’t recline my seat because I know I hate it when people in front of me recline.  Like, HELLOOOO, I’m behind you, you ass hole.  Another complaint about the “top of the line” coach busses, THE EFFING TV’S.  They’re the smallest thing invented, they wobble from the ceiling so I’m always terrified they’re going to fall on someone’s head, they’re fuzzy and turn the damn volume up.  If you’re trying to make my ride more enjoyable by giving me the luxury of trying to lip read from a small, static television, you are sadly mistaken.

Here’s what I’ve done to pass the time: I’ve read for almost two hours.  I’ve attempted lip reading “Cool Runnings”.  I’ve creepily stared at people sleeping.  Eaten a muffin.  Listened to some Weezy on my iPod.  Played one game of “Vortex” and half a game of “Solitaire.”  Currently I’m listening to Dubstep remix songs imagining myself being a really good dubstepper-or whatever they’re called.  I’ve attempted to sleep for about 7 minutes.

Then the joy to think, our games are at 5 and 7, so I’ll be home around 3 a.m. 

As sarcastic as this is,  I am actually really excited for the game! But it would be nice if someone could invent teleportation so I could just be there already! That’s the only super power I would want.  Teleport to a game, WIN, and teleport home.  It would give me so much more free time to…. Ummm… drink beer? Eat frosting? Go to Church? Make rabbit stew? Who knows what I would do with all that time?!?! 

Wahhhhhhh Gionni!!!!

In case no body knew, this last weekend was "Halloweekend." So corny, what creative 12 year old came up with that term? Well, like all other billion bloggers, I'll talk about it... Remember when halloween was about watching scary movies and actually dressing for the weather? Like, wearing a winter jacket underneath your princess dress.  Then you get to college and you think "fuck, it's cold." Why do educated adults think it's so cold? Maybe because you're running around in your underwear... hello, nobody wants to see your nipples standing at attention.  My personal mission, now that I'm mature, was to have a halloween that's about AWESOME costumes and not about creating magical cleavage out of my A cups.  My idea? Pregnant. 

Here's how my halloween started... I nice family parade in dowtown brunswick.  It's obviously for children to show off their costumes, but since my mom deprived me of the parade when I was younger, I marched in it this year as a proud 11 month pregnant woman.  I was surrounded by little Thomas the Train and two Mario Brothers.  But whatever, I think my costume required the most brain power...  Either way, there were seriously millions of little nugs running wild in the streets for hours.  Naturally, we were hungry after working up a sweat walking about 100 yards, so we took a short cut and went to McDonalds. While there, one of the little nugs punched my baby bump, so the jig was up when his hand sunk 6 inches into my belly.

After such an embarrassing McDonalds adventure, it was time to go trick-or-treating.  YAY. not.  With sun freezing temperatures, snow on the ground and ice on driveways, it made for a miserable walk.  The good news, with such young kids they don't realize that they didn't get a lot of candy and only went to about 10 houses.  

As usual... halloween wouldn't be complete without a side trip to Riverside. Yes, that's right, the infamous DIVE on a Monday night.  We did some pregame with beer, frosting and candy just to get us in the zone.  We dragged along two "Dive Virgins."  As usual, they were all like "wahhh, that place is sketchy. I don't wanna die.  No way am I going. blah blah blah." The only persuasion needed is showing them pictures of me (sober) at the dive clearly having the time of my life... convinced.  So we pile in the car, i pull the buckle over my baby bump, and we're ready to rage.  My compulsive lying has come in handy, because I was able to make up really great stories about my baby-of course the drunkies totally believed I was prego.  I was about 7 months, it was a boy and I struck up a fantastic convo with "Britney Spears" about having young sons.  Really insightful.... but besides lying, being pregnant and it being halloween... the highlight of my night was at 11:30 when there was a limbo contest. Not once have I ever competed due to the scientific fact that I can't bend.  I balanced my odds against a bar full of hammered people and inflexible men and realized I had a fighting chance.

Well, I was right. I WON. I WON LIMBO.  I CAN BEND THE MOST! Of course I took out my baby and left it on the table to give me the competitive edge.  but the best part, guess what i got as a prize??? A THONG! that says "get whipped" and a 42 year old black man by my side all night.  Seriously, a dream come true. I was in Dive Heaven. 

WAYHO!

woa, it's been a while since i've hit up the bloggerverse.  I guess I'm still technically unemployed, therefore I can still blog about being unemployed. Make sense?  Well, I'm what I like to call a super-sub! I basically sub everyday at the local middle school.  It's awesome.  I was never popular in middle school and now I am! OMG, all the pretty girls wanna hang out with me between classes.  All of the boys give me high fives. WOW, if my 13 year-old self knew this was coming she would be so excited.  Uhhh, I subbed PE for a while and that was fantastic because I wore sweat pants to work. But of course they were brand name sweatpants, like Nike.  If they weren't I wouldn't be popular anymore. That would have been social suicide.  I'm also coaching Field Hockey. Do you think I ever played?... not a single day in my life.  We have one game left and I still don't know ANY of the rules.  I'm coaching basketball at Central Maine Community College. God, it makes me wanna go back so bad.

My recent escapades have been exhausting! Last weekend I had an alumni lacrosse game - in which I scored the first goal... as a defender. Also, it was 12 v 11 so no one was guarding me.  But that's a minor detail.  Then i rushed up to NH to visit my cousin John Mo, where we raged at UNH. And by rage I mean we awkwardly stood in the middle of the party for 2 hours.  Then the next day I carved pumpkins with my future husband. It was gross. Pumpkin guts everywhere.

I have also become a compulsive liar.  Maybe in fear of being stalked.... I introduce myself as someone else at bars.  It's like word vomit, I can't stop the lies from coming out of my mouth.  I say something and I think "wow, that wasn't remotely true."  I've been Douchelle, Michelle, Aquafina, Deseree, Muffy, Agnus, Dominique, Renee, Anastasia.  I've been from Hawaii, Russia, the North Pole, Fuji.  My occupations have varied from dog walker, drug dealer, professional athlete, singer, Denzel Washington's wife, paparazzi.  I've been married, divorced, gay, pregnant, homeless.

It's scary how comfortable and easy these lies have become.  However, I consider it a scientific/sociological experiment as to how the human species reacts to absurd stories.

...also, I wear fanny packs now.  Totally acceptable in maine...

life just got REAL

Nobody ever told me that sitting in a comfy chair while cruising the internet for jobs would be so exhausting. I still haven't recieved my transcripts, which I requested two weeks ago, so therefore I'm not getting a job teaching summer school. Now my only source of income is coaching basketball camps.  I also wanted to waitress but Mom said she wants me to be available for interviews soooo... basically that means a complete summer of being broke has commenced. I have filled out about ten teaching applications from the area, and I realized I have no idea what to fill out.  Like, how much detail do I provide? Are they going to judge me based on the fact that I accidentally wrote a 9 and had to turn it into a 7? Will they think my handwriting is messy? Did I completely forget to fill something out? and why can I only think of TWO references? Well, it's time to pray to the Job-God that something will fall into place.