CMCC's first Road Trip

ROAD TRIP!!! I don’t work today, so what do I decide to do? Pack up my bags and hop in a bus with 29 athletes, 3 friends and 6 coaches. We’re heading to Vermont for our first conference basketball game.  Only a casual 10 hour Friday drive.  We’re about 3 hours into it and I am anxiously awaiting our pit stop for lunch in Lebanon, NH… only 54 more miles til we get to civility and food! Then an additional two hours to Rutland, VT.

Everybody had been saying “well at least you get a coach bus.” Yeah, true, it’s way better than a school bus… but I would much rather us have our own team plane.  I mean, the fabric on the seats is itchy, I still don’t have enough leg room, and the “shades” with all of the little holes in them make zero difference.  I also feel like I shouldn’t recline my seat because I know I hate it when people in front of me recline.  Like, HELLOOOO, I’m behind you, you ass hole.  Another complaint about the “top of the line” coach busses, THE EFFING TV’S.  They’re the smallest thing invented, they wobble from the ceiling so I’m always terrified they’re going to fall on someone’s head, they’re fuzzy and turn the damn volume up.  If you’re trying to make my ride more enjoyable by giving me the luxury of trying to lip read from a small, static television, you are sadly mistaken.

Here’s what I’ve done to pass the time: I’ve read for almost two hours.  I’ve attempted lip reading “Cool Runnings”.  I’ve creepily stared at people sleeping.  Eaten a muffin.  Listened to some Weezy on my iPod.  Played one game of “Vortex” and half a game of “Solitaire.”  Currently I’m listening to Dubstep remix songs imagining myself being a really good dubstepper-or whatever they’re called.  I’ve attempted to sleep for about 7 minutes.

Then the joy to think, our games are at 5 and 7, so I’ll be home around 3 a.m. 

As sarcastic as this is,  I am actually really excited for the game! But it would be nice if someone could invent teleportation so I could just be there already! That’s the only super power I would want.  Teleport to a game, WIN, and teleport home.  It would give me so much more free time to…. Ummm… drink beer? Eat frosting? Go to Church? Make rabbit stew? Who knows what I would do with all that time?!?! 

Wahhhhhhh Gionni!!!!

In case no body knew, this last weekend was "Halloweekend." So corny, what creative 12 year old came up with that term? Well, like all other billion bloggers, I'll talk about it... Remember when halloween was about watching scary movies and actually dressing for the weather? Like, wearing a winter jacket underneath your princess dress.  Then you get to college and you think "fuck, it's cold." Why do educated adults think it's so cold? Maybe because you're running around in your underwear... hello, nobody wants to see your nipples standing at attention.  My personal mission, now that I'm mature, was to have a halloween that's about AWESOME costumes and not about creating magical cleavage out of my A cups.  My idea? Pregnant. 

Here's how my halloween started... I nice family parade in dowtown brunswick.  It's obviously for children to show off their costumes, but since my mom deprived me of the parade when I was younger, I marched in it this year as a proud 11 month pregnant woman.  I was surrounded by little Thomas the Train and two Mario Brothers.  But whatever, I think my costume required the most brain power...  Either way, there were seriously millions of little nugs running wild in the streets for hours.  Naturally, we were hungry after working up a sweat walking about 100 yards, so we took a short cut and went to McDonalds. While there, one of the little nugs punched my baby bump, so the jig was up when his hand sunk 6 inches into my belly.

After such an embarrassing McDonalds adventure, it was time to go trick-or-treating.  YAY. not.  With sun freezing temperatures, snow on the ground and ice on driveways, it made for a miserable walk.  The good news, with such young kids they don't realize that they didn't get a lot of candy and only went to about 10 houses.  

As usual... halloween wouldn't be complete without a side trip to Riverside. Yes, that's right, the infamous DIVE on a Monday night.  We did some pregame with beer, frosting and candy just to get us in the zone.  We dragged along two "Dive Virgins."  As usual, they were all like "wahhh, that place is sketchy. I don't wanna die.  No way am I going. blah blah blah." The only persuasion needed is showing them pictures of me (sober) at the dive clearly having the time of my life... convinced.  So we pile in the car, i pull the buckle over my baby bump, and we're ready to rage.  My compulsive lying has come in handy, because I was able to make up really great stories about my baby-of course the drunkies totally believed I was prego.  I was about 7 months, it was a boy and I struck up a fantastic convo with "Britney Spears" about having young sons.  Really insightful.... but besides lying, being pregnant and it being halloween... the highlight of my night was at 11:30 when there was a limbo contest. Not once have I ever competed due to the scientific fact that I can't bend.  I balanced my odds against a bar full of hammered people and inflexible men and realized I had a fighting chance.

Well, I was right. I WON. I WON LIMBO.  I CAN BEND THE MOST! Of course I took out my baby and left it on the table to give me the competitive edge.  but the best part, guess what i got as a prize??? A THONG! that says "get whipped" and a 42 year old black man by my side all night.  Seriously, a dream come true. I was in Dive Heaven. 

WAYHO!

woa, it's been a while since i've hit up the bloggerverse.  I guess I'm still technically unemployed, therefore I can still blog about being unemployed. Make sense?  Well, I'm what I like to call a super-sub! I basically sub everyday at the local middle school.  It's awesome.  I was never popular in middle school and now I am! OMG, all the pretty girls wanna hang out with me between classes.  All of the boys give me high fives. WOW, if my 13 year-old self knew this was coming she would be so excited.  Uhhh, I subbed PE for a while and that was fantastic because I wore sweat pants to work. But of course they were brand name sweatpants, like Nike.  If they weren't I wouldn't be popular anymore. That would have been social suicide.  I'm also coaching Field Hockey. Do you think I ever played?... not a single day in my life.  We have one game left and I still don't know ANY of the rules.  I'm coaching basketball at Central Maine Community College. God, it makes me wanna go back so bad.

My recent escapades have been exhausting! Last weekend I had an alumni lacrosse game - in which I scored the first goal... as a defender. Also, it was 12 v 11 so no one was guarding me.  But that's a minor detail.  Then i rushed up to NH to visit my cousin John Mo, where we raged at UNH. And by rage I mean we awkwardly stood in the middle of the party for 2 hours.  Then the next day I carved pumpkins with my future husband. It was gross. Pumpkin guts everywhere.

I have also become a compulsive liar.  Maybe in fear of being stalked.... I introduce myself as someone else at bars.  It's like word vomit, I can't stop the lies from coming out of my mouth.  I say something and I think "wow, that wasn't remotely true."  I've been Douchelle, Michelle, Aquafina, Deseree, Muffy, Agnus, Dominique, Renee, Anastasia.  I've been from Hawaii, Russia, the North Pole, Fuji.  My occupations have varied from dog walker, drug dealer, professional athlete, singer, Denzel Washington's wife, paparazzi.  I've been married, divorced, gay, pregnant, homeless.

It's scary how comfortable and easy these lies have become.  However, I consider it a scientific/sociological experiment as to how the human species reacts to absurd stories.

...also, I wear fanny packs now.  Totally acceptable in maine...

life just got REAL

Nobody ever told me that sitting in a comfy chair while cruising the internet for jobs would be so exhausting. I still haven't recieved my transcripts, which I requested two weeks ago, so therefore I'm not getting a job teaching summer school. Now my only source of income is coaching basketball camps.  I also wanted to waitress but Mom said she wants me to be available for interviews soooo... basically that means a complete summer of being broke has commenced. I have filled out about ten teaching applications from the area, and I realized I have no idea what to fill out.  Like, how much detail do I provide? Are they going to judge me based on the fact that I accidentally wrote a 9 and had to turn it into a 7? Will they think my handwriting is messy? Did I completely forget to fill something out? and why can I only think of TWO references? Well, it's time to pray to the Job-God that something will fall into place.

I Should Be A Farmer's Wife.

Well, my life has indeed been very adventurous lately.  Just today my mom taught me how to use an electronic computer checking system known as "quicken." Already the highlight of my day. Yesterday I spent all day mowing the field. It seriously takes up a significant chunk of time. I feel like all I do is rake and mow and rake and mow. This darn grass won't stop growing! If I start my own vegitable garden I would be well suited to be a good ol' Maine farmer's wife. (New Life Goal)...

Last Friday I went down to boston where I saw all sorts of sea things at the Boston Aquarium. It was. so.cool!. They have a "Touchin' Tank" as my cousin's 5 year old likes to call it, where you can touch sting rays and baby sharks as they swim by. DANGEROUS you ask? Why yes, if the stingers weren't cut off and the sharks weren't sedated I'm sure there would be a slew of amputees thanks to the aquarium. There was also the biggest sea turtle and sting ray I have ever seen. That was neat. But my favorite part by far was watching the divers clean the tank. Nothing like getting an obstructed view of the animals I came to see. But seriously, there was so many cool things there! Star fish, jelly fish, penguins, seals, sting rays, birds, turtles, frogs, and a bunch of other ugly sea things.

After that we ventured 45 minutes to drive 2 miles dowtown to the Boston Museum of Science. There was seriously so much fun stuff to do there, there's no way we could have done it all.  So at the beck-and-call of the 5 year old, we hit up all of the Dinosaur exhibits. We also saw the biggest caterpillar EVER in the butterfly garden.  But I couldn't help but think, hey, what's a catapillah doin in the buttahfly gahden? (I often think in a Maine accent).   The last place we checked out was the light exhibit.  Naturally I wanted to start singing "She Blinded Me With Science" and it took a lot of will power not too.

Saturday night I met my cousins at the local bar, Joshuas, or "Shuas" as the regulars call it.  I always get so confused when people call it Shua's.  Basically I go there to either hang out with my cousins or see about 100 people from high school that I don't really want to see. Thankfully, I talked four friends into venturing to Riverside aka "The Dive" with me.  You can't unsee the things you see at the Dive. Keep a hand over your drink at all times. Don't make eye contact with strangers. It's that kind of place.  You love to hate it and hate to love it. The music is bumpin, obese women are grinding, toothless men hit on you, and your future husband is probably creepin in the corners. I can't even describe this place to you, but I always have the time of my life.  There is every variety of the human species at the Dive. Thankfully, I met an older gentlemen named Dan, who not only impressed me with his uncoordinated dancing, but blew me away with his wardrobe (work boots, dirty jeans, LL Bean fleece and dirty hat). In the midst of dancing we couldn't help but notice a small white pill on the floor. Hmmm, attempted roofilata anyone? It's easy to say that this will be our new summer hang out.

"if it was warmer it wouldn't be as cold"... duh

An update on unemployment: I have finally recieved notice that my transcipts are complete, so that means I get to mail in a transcript request form along with $5 and I will get ONE transcipt. Like, my parents already shelled out over 100,00 bucks for me to go to school and I can't even get one lousy complimentary trancript sent to my house or something?? The real world is basically trying to keep me from getting to the real world because those $5 were going to be the start of my life savings. But once I get my transcripts I can have interviews which means I can potentially have a job. or two. or three.

Aside from that, I spent all day yesterday with one of my goodest friend ever.  We went out to lunch and hung out on her trampoline.  Jumping on it gives us motion sickness in our old age, but we still feel pretty adventurous sitting on it.  Then I spent all day today sitting in a chair watching tv, realizing how obese I will be if I do this forever and decided to run. I should have just stayed in the chair because that run suuuuuucked. Then I topped off the day by going out to dinner, catching a Sea Dogs baseball game and watching fireworks with my cousin, aunt and nephew. 

The game was less than packed due to crappy wheather.  It's almost July and we were wearing multiple layers, going numb and drinking hot chocolate. (Mainers are unfamiliar with the idea of "summer"). We snagged 3rd base front row seats where we casually chatted up the 3rd base coaches and tried to talk to the 3rd baseman.  We were right next to the dugout, too, and evertime they ran by we tried to start some small talk but they obviously ignored us.  I mean, we were the only people in the ENTIRE area and we were wearing bright orange and yellow ponchos.  There's no way we blended in with the crowd and they didn't notice us. Rude. I asked some of them to find me on facebook- I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the players heard me and not some old guy 10 rows back.  By the  end of the game we knew most players names' and shouted out our expertise advise.  Most of the time they had a GREAT swing, but just needed to hit the ball. Clearly I know what I'm talking about. We tried so hard to get on the jumbo screen and to be honest I don't know how we didn't make it because there were no more than 20 people in our section and I was waving an orange poncho above my head. It's not like Fenway Park or anything... FIND ME!... seriously Hadlock Field?? How can I not be the superfan of the game? On a brighter note: The fireworks lasted 15 minutes and were surprisingly better than any 4th of July fireworks I've seen.

I have Accomplished Close to Nothing in One Month

Well... I graduated exactly one month ago and the most important thing I have accomplished so far is unpacking.  I was home for 17 days before I moved from sleeping on the couch to my own bed due to the mass amounts of boxes in my room and finding better things to do with my time rather than unpacking. Over the past month I have been keeping busy so I won't get depressed thinking about how awesome my roommates were, the apartment, and all of my college friends.

My first adventure after graduation was tagging along on a Perrault family vacation to Disney World! The most magical place on Earth- and if by magic you mean getting lost at Blizzard Beach, expensive drinks and rides breaking down, then yes- very magical.  But it really was a great time.  The Perrault family is hilarious, and their friends are even funnier.  We had a great time roaming around the boardwalk, watching the light show, Locked Up Raw marathons and unsuccessfully faking a british accent to men who were clearly british. That was a big fail.

My next adventure was supposed to be to Cape Cod- but instead I magically ended up in Weare, NH visiting my future husband.  Don't worry, he is well aware that I am forcing him to marry me when we're 25 so we can have beautiful mocha babies. While there, I blew him out of the water with my rapping skills by performing Busta Rhymes' fastest-rapper-alive lyrics from "Look At Me Now." Quite a feat if I may say so myself.  Then we went to the beach the next day and played lacrosse where we both showed off our sweet stick skills.  And by "show off" i mean attempting to pull off D1 skills. Not so successful. Before I left we decided we going to get as sexy as possible this summer (i.e. doing a little more p90x and a little less buffet eating- a GIANT sacrifice on my part). We text each other every day for a little bit of motivation.

Then I was on the home stretch- literally.  A late night drive back to farmland, aka Maine, meant that college was over for good.  I'd be lying if I told you I didn't spend most of that drive crying.Once home, instead of unpacking a years worth of good memories, I decided to consume my days with scrapbooking.  For at least 4 hours a day I was scrapbooking (or scrapping as we like to call it) with my cousin.  Sometimes we'd even pull 2-a-days.  It's exhausting, and nothing short of disappointing when your own mother doesn't appreciate the time and creativity it takes to cut out pictures, designs and layer paper.

I have now slowly unpacked and and finally have moved from the basement couch to my own twin bed in my purple and green high school decorated room.  I've also spent hours a day mowing or raking the yard.  Not the most exciting thing but when your do it in a bikini you're rewarded with a sunkissed glow, so it's not all bad.

Once I recieve my transcripts I will have a summer job as an Ed Tech for a summer school program.  So future employers and parents: be relieved when I tell yout that I will temporarily be employed! Assuming my transcripts get mailed soon... fingers crossed.

Don't worry, all of my posts won't be this long... I hope.